Learning How to Swim

It’s been almost 3 months since my life changed forever with the loss of my mom and almost 2 months since my life changed again with the birth of my daughter. It’s been a while since I blogged about anything as so many emotions have occurred over the past three months and it’s sometimes hard to put them into words, especially on paper and to be shared so publicly. I had full intentions of just blogging until Ava was born, as a way of mass updating everyone. Today I had a realization that this was more of a therapeutic outlet for me as I struggle with two different worlds as well as a way of updating anyone who is interested in what Ava and I (and Dave, of course) are up to.

With the holidays approaching there are a lot of mixed emotions right now. Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year. I usually beg Dave to let me put the decorations up as soon as November 12^th hits. We have an agreement that decorating cannot occur until the day of the Toronto Santa Claus parade. Typically I know the date off by heart. This year I had to look it up and am really debating how much, if at all, we will decorate. I was at my mom’s yesterday going through boxes in the basement with one of my aunt’s and one of my uncle’s and a lot of emotions and memories came flooding back. Christmas was sometimes a hard time of year for my mom as we often did not have a lot of money to celebrate the way we did when we were younger. She was able to make Christmas special for us and usually worked like a crazy person throughout December to be able to give us special presents. I realize now that the presents weren’t that memorable, but the times spent with her and our family was. In recent years, she would occasionally make her way up to the beach to spend Christmas with Dave and I. We didn’t do anything elaborate, just a nice meal and a day spent resting and relaxing with Christmas movies, something my mom rarely did when at home. Last year, our gift was paint. I know this seems like an odd Christmas gift, but mom always got us something that would make our house a home. Looking around our home right now there are so many things that my mom made or bought/found for us. Last year, in true Gwenda fashion, she woke up, put her paint clothes on and started painting our feature wall. These memories make it so hard this year to get into the spirit, even with it being Ava’s 1^st Christmas.

As I prepared to leave my mom’s house yesterday, I sent Dave a text message about having a really hard time leaving today. He asked why? I really didn’t have a good answer for that. Reflecting back on it, I think it’s because I was waiting for her to appear so I could say hello and give her a massive hug. That was the first time I had truly been alone in her house without her. It was really hard to leave knowing I couldn’t say hi or goodbye properly. The reality of the situation hit me that the lead up to Christmas this year will be organizing and sorting out her things in preparation to sell her house. This is a very different holiday season than any other year.

On the other side of my life, I want to make this year special for Ava. I know she will only be 3 months old and likely won’t remember if we will have a Christmas tree or decorations out but I will. I have struggled with what to do as I am struggling with how to approach the festive season. I don’t want to look back on pictures and see our regular home décor and regret not setting things up for her this Christmas. At the same time, celebrating will be hard this year.

To anyone reading this, I am sorry it was so sappy. It’s been a while and there are so many emotions this year. As I close one life and open another, it’s sometimes easy to lose track of myself. I find that this blog is very helpful for me to get perspective on who I am as I am stuck somewhere in the middle of grief and joy. Thank you for reading and continuing to be interested in my ramblings. I appreciate every single one of you for being in my life and riding this crazy wave with me. 

A joyful find yesterday - my baby shirt from the hospital